Hey!
So this is my first blog post! For those who don't know who I am, I'm Cynthia. Or just plain Cyn. I am a mother to a really cool 5 year old sass-a-frass girl. Sarai. She is pretty much my heart in human form. Walking around, wearing pink bows and playing with her dolls and drawing Peppa Pig. Or drawing her dad with a hitler mustache. I work a lot. And when I am not working, I devote my time to my daughter. Always and constantly advocating for her. And in the process, educating myself learning all that I can so I can educate other's. Sarai is definitely not your typical little 5 year old girl. She questions everything, anything and everyone. And our answers are sometimes never enough for her which can cause her to become frustrated.
Well it's been some time since I have actually written anything. I remember being able to write with ease and just being inspired all the time. And then life hit me and I got older. And all the things I used to love and all the things that used to inspire me just...stopped.
Well it's been some time since I have actually written anything. I remember being able to write with ease and just being inspired all the time. And then life hit me and I got older. And all the things I used to love and all the things that used to inspire me just...stopped.
I got kind of lost for a bit. Found myself and then I found someone I fell in love with, we had a beautiful daughter together. We faced many trials and tribulations (but I will save that for an entirely different post). We aren't together anymore although I pray many at times that things would change but who knows what lies ahead in my future. I can say he is an amazing Daddy to our child. And we still remain friends despite anything that has happened. That will never change.
Motherhood has always been painted as a pretty picture. And that's a damn lie. No one ever told me about all the ugly parts I would have to face. And I would have to face them alone. No one told me about the depression, about the bad thoughts, the sleepless nights. Nope. They just told me "It's the best thing ever!" "Yayyyy for Motherhood!" "Yayyy for Yogapants!" Lies...AND MORE LIES! It was constant arguing with your partner, never having time for one another, lying, cheating, depression, insecurities, doubt, questions, loneliness and gaining weight. Lots and lots of weight. And I was angry. Angry for a very long time.
As our daughter...Sarai began to mature into her toddler years we simply thought that she was entering her "terrible twos". We thought that it was a phase. I mean my parents always told me " You're going to have a daughter one day and the same way you gave us a hard time, she's going to be twice as much". It was amusing at first. But then her tantrums became excessive and violent. It was scary. Real scary. She would hurt herself constantly. And I would have this overwhelming sense of fear that people were going to think I was hurting her and they would take her away from me. So I obsessed. I obsessed over being an excellent mother. Obsessed over being involved and present all the time and kind of developing OCD behavior and anxiety in the process. And now, because FEAR is a mental state that can really take hold of someone, I have horrible anxiety.
Sarai's tantrums were every day. Constantly and would last from 20 minutes to almost an hour. And every single time I was left defeated and exhausted. I mean my goodness I would feel like I ran up a flight of steps. Whenever she would have a meltdown or tantrum, especially in public, I would get all the looks and all the stares. I could feel them glaring at me. I would hear comments such as "She is too spoiled" or "I need to be more stern with her" or "Shoo if that were my child..." It never ended. And it still does not end. I would put my head down in shame, because I was embarassed. Because I thought I was a terrible mother. Because I thought I broke her. Because I thought God was trying to punish me for something. Because I wanted to just leave my kid there where she was screaming and kicking and walk out the store and not look back. And before you judge me for a second....let's be real here. Let's be REALLY real here. That in no way means I don't love my daughter. Because I do. And with my entire living body and all my soul. I would throw my body to the wolves for her. But in that moment of screeching and hollering and you have no one there with you to hold you tight and tell you it's okay...your mind just floods with a million thoughts on what if's and should of could of and would of's. So I had an honest moment. And it was a dark one.
I felt broken. I felt like I failed her. I know her dad did not fully understand at the time either and would judge me as well. The judgement was coming in every single direction. So I did what I had to do....I picked up what I could along with my daughter and left. I left back to my parents. Not because I didn't love my daughter's father and everyone else ....but because I really needed help. I needed HELP. My sanity was slowing slipping. I was ready to admit myself into a psych ward. It was one of my darkest moments. And while I was internally screaming and suffering, so was my daughter. I knew there was something more going on with her. But my vocal concerns would get met with "You're over thinking".
I finally got her into school, I got her evaluated, went through the entire process and found out Sarai has Sensory Processing Disorder. The definintion on WEBMD STATES the following:
"Sensory processing disorder is a condition in which the brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that comes in through the senses.
As our daughter...Sarai began to mature into her toddler years we simply thought that she was entering her "terrible twos". We thought that it was a phase. I mean my parents always told me " You're going to have a daughter one day and the same way you gave us a hard time, she's going to be twice as much". It was amusing at first. But then her tantrums became excessive and violent. It was scary. Real scary. She would hurt herself constantly. And I would have this overwhelming sense of fear that people were going to think I was hurting her and they would take her away from me. So I obsessed. I obsessed over being an excellent mother. Obsessed over being involved and present all the time and kind of developing OCD behavior and anxiety in the process. And now, because FEAR is a mental state that can really take hold of someone, I have horrible anxiety.
Sarai's tantrums were every day. Constantly and would last from 20 minutes to almost an hour. And every single time I was left defeated and exhausted. I mean my goodness I would feel like I ran up a flight of steps. Whenever she would have a meltdown or tantrum, especially in public, I would get all the looks and all the stares. I could feel them glaring at me. I would hear comments such as "She is too spoiled" or "I need to be more stern with her" or "Shoo if that were my child..." It never ended. And it still does not end. I would put my head down in shame, because I was embarassed. Because I thought I was a terrible mother. Because I thought I broke her. Because I thought God was trying to punish me for something. Because I wanted to just leave my kid there where she was screaming and kicking and walk out the store and not look back. And before you judge me for a second....let's be real here. Let's be REALLY real here. That in no way means I don't love my daughter. Because I do. And with my entire living body and all my soul. I would throw my body to the wolves for her. But in that moment of screeching and hollering and you have no one there with you to hold you tight and tell you it's okay...your mind just floods with a million thoughts on what if's and should of could of and would of's. So I had an honest moment. And it was a dark one.
I felt broken. I felt like I failed her. I know her dad did not fully understand at the time either and would judge me as well. The judgement was coming in every single direction. So I did what I had to do....I picked up what I could along with my daughter and left. I left back to my parents. Not because I didn't love my daughter's father and everyone else ....but because I really needed help. I needed HELP. My sanity was slowing slipping. I was ready to admit myself into a psych ward. It was one of my darkest moments. And while I was internally screaming and suffering, so was my daughter. I knew there was something more going on with her. But my vocal concerns would get met with "You're over thinking".
I finally got her into school, I got her evaluated, went through the entire process and found out Sarai has Sensory Processing Disorder. The definintion on WEBMD STATES the following:
"Sensory processing disorder is a condition in which the brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that comes in through the senses.
Formerly referred to as sensory integration dysfunction, it is not currently recognized a a distinct medical diagnosis.
Some people with sensory processing disorder are oversensitive to things in their environment. Common sounds may be painful or overwhelming. The light touch of a shirt may chafe the skin.
Others with sensory processing disorder may:
- Be uncoordinated
- Bump into things
- Be unable to tell where their limbs are in space
- Be hard to engage in conversation or play
Sensory processing problems are usually identified in children. But they can also affect adults. Sensory processing problems are commonly seen in developmental conditions like autism spectrum disorder.
Sensory processing disorder is not recognized as a stand-alone disorder. But many experts think that should change."
Sarai fit the criteria and with that she was given Occupational Therapy as well as counseling.
We still have a long way to go. But I am so proud of her. I am proud of the good, bad and ugly. I am proud that she feels comfortable enough to express her frustrations, her sadness, her joys, her pain. Even if it's having a full fledged meltdown. Before she could'nt and that would always break my heart. But I just look at her...I sit back and look at her in amazement. Five years old with so many obstacles she has had to overcome in order to feel like she can fit in. Now she has friends, now she laughs, now she smiles. She still get's angry but that rage and sadness is gone. I don't regret my decision in leaving a place I once called home. And I miss it, I miss it so much. But as a parent you will always be faced with choices in life. Some may be easy and some will be freaking hard!
I hope that on this journey I am taking with Sarai, I also will grow and evolve into a better human being. And I hope that my writing will progress. There are so many ideas I have exploding in my head right now. But I have to take it one day at a time.
Love you all!
I hope that on this journey I am taking with Sarai, I also will grow and evolve into a better human being. And I hope that my writing will progress. There are so many ideas I have exploding in my head right now. But I have to take it one day at a time.
Love you all!
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