Meltdowns VS Tantrums

Today was a rough day. For both Sarai and I. It was a day full tantrums AND meltdowns. Because now I have learned to distinguish the both and can now explain to others as well. Let me take you back for a bit...

It started around when she was 1.5 years old. And we all did what everyone else would do and assume it was typical normal toddler behavior. Better known as the "terrible twos". But I started noticing something was not quite right. 

And whenever I would express my concerns I would either get your infamous eye roll or "she's just spoiled" response. Her "tantrums" would take up half the day. And I just remember being so overwhelmed because I just had no idea what I was doing wrong or how to handle this situation. It became so frequent.

Now let's get this straight. I try to educate people because people seem to think a TANTRUM and a MELTDOWN are the same things. They are NOT. Let that burn in your brains as you read this. They are NOT the same. 

A tantrum and a meltdown are very different. A tantrum is done with a purpose to get a reaction from others. A meltdown is a reaction to something that is beyond the child's control. It is a reaction to feeling overwhelmed and over stimulated. Which was the everyday case for Sarai. Things that occurred that were beyond her control and caused her to have difficulties in regulating herself and her emotions. Like the channel not changing to the speed that she wants, the tablet's keypads not working the first try, trying to spell a word on the tablet and she misspells it, the sounds of cars and trains screeching, taking an alternative route to our destination, the schedule changing in school, the lunch menu changing, taking the left elevator instead of the right elevator, telling her that I was going to pick her up and grandma ends up picking her up from school.....my list can go on. 

There is no telling what to expect from Sarai. There are trigger words I have to avoid. Situations that can trigger her meltdowns that I try to avoid as well. I have to have long repetitive talks with her the night before in preparation for the next day. I have to plan every single one of my days accordingly in order to make sure her days run smoothly. And it's so exhausting for me. And I know it is for her as well. I can see how much the meltdowns takes out of her. She will physically become tired, you can see her become sluggish.

So many times she has had meltdowns in public. People would stare and mumble words under their breath. And in those moments I want to scream in their faces to just stop judging me. Stop. If they only knew how my days were. And all the check-ins I would have to do with my family and her teachers because the slightest thing can alter her day into a rough one. And she will come home from a rough day to melt in my arms and tell me how hard it was for her. I used to see it as "Why does she just give me a hard time?" But then I read somewhere in an article the reasoning behind it. And it made sense to me. It's because to her, I am her safe haven. I am her comfort. With me she does not need to hide her feelings, she feels comfortable enough with me where she can just release all her bad feelings. Before I would become so stressed but now I understand and I let her. I let her kick, throw, cry, scream etc. And I tell her it's okay to have those feelings. And that I am here. Mommy and Daddy and all the people who love her are here for her. So when I see the anxiety starting to stir up, I know what to do now. I know how to handle it. I know how to prepare myself. 

She tries. She tries so hard. And I admit my flaws when I tell you I can get so frustrated and scold and say things I know I should not say. I'm not perfect and many times I blame myself and feel that maybe it was something I did to cause her all this distress. That I made her this way. But there is nothing wrong with her. She is not broken. She does not need to be fixed. 

This past couple of years she has overcome so much. She has grown and matured. She can fully articulate her feelings now. Better than she ever could. I am so proud of her. I am so proud that she can now tell me that she is mad, that she is upset, that is sad or that she is so happy. We still both struggle a great deal. But boy is she, my hero. She just keeps pushing and persevering. 

Today was a rough day. For both Sarai and I. I screwed up today and I made mistakes. And I had to take a few breaths and tell her I was sorry. Today was a rough day for Sarai and I and she had several meltdowns at home and I saw the anxiety on her face as she covered her ears. She's trying. I'm trying. We are both trying. We are both in this together. And I will never stop trying to do my best for her. And I want her to always know I see her. I hear her. I understand her. And I know that she is trying. And I am proud.

Today was a rough day. But we made it. So if we made it. It was just a good day.


Love you all,